The Lost Blogs Read online

  Can I come home now? Please?

  From: http://www.jules_verne.fr/futureblog/

  Subject: A League of Their Own

  You enjoyed 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

  You reveled in the amazing journey as led by the gruff and adamant Captain Nemo! You gripped your book in fear as the gigantic squid attacked the fortified Nautilus submarine! Your eyes opened wide as you glimpsed, for the very first time, the lost city of Atlantis!!

  But that was just the beginning!!

  Due to popular demand, I have decided to bring the next chapter of the Captain Nemo saga to bookstores everywhere. As we speak, I am drafting the follow-up book to the amazing underwater adventure! People have said to me recently, including my well-respected colleagues, that it is a tough story to tell. What could possibly be different from the previous story? Sure, some have suggested it be in outer space or high above in the skies! But more underwater, they grumble! What will be so different that we will want to come back and read more?

  This one goes to 21,000.

  The sequel to my book will be called 21,000 Leagues Under the Seal There will be one full extra league of excitement! There will be one more league of mystery! And a league is a lot of extra story landscape—it is, in actuality, 5.56 kilometers! That is 5.56 more kilometers of adventure, drama, sea creatures and treasure!

  Yes, your favorite characters will return! Yes, the darkness of the earth’s oceans will open up as it did before. But now, there will be 3 more nautical miles of nail-biting tension. 3 more nautical miles of romance and heroism. 3 more nautical miles of story!

  Nautilus will no longer just go 20,000 leagues under the sea. This time, it’ll go 21,000 leagues!

  I am, of course, still rolling the idea around in my head, but what use is a digital diary if not to poll those who are fans of your work. So, if you have any thoughts about this idea (or yesterday’s about Around the World in 82 Days) please send a message to jules@jules_verne.fr.

  From: http://www.lumierebrothers.fr/cinema-blog/

  Subject: Premiere of the Cinématographe!

  If you’re looking at this page, you have most likely heard of the Lumière Brothers and our amazing invention called, in French, the “Cinématographe”! An amazing new type of entertainment and technology, the Cinématograph projects moving images on a screen in a darkened room that makes you feel as if you are right there witnessing the action!! This December 28 will mark the World Premiere of our Amazing Films!

  [Buy tickets here for the Blockbuster Premiere of the Cinématograph!]

  If you are looking for particular starting times of particular Lumière Brothers film attractions, just click on the name of the film you would like to view and you will be presented with additional information!

  On December 28, the Lumière Brothers will be proud to present these amazing, never-beforeseen, must-see-event films:

  —

  Arrival of a Train! BUY TICKETS

  The most amazing action picture ever produced!! There is a train coming straight toward the audience and what will they do!? It’s coming closer!? Here, you’ll wet your pants when you see a train coming right for you when, in fact, it’s just another one of the Lumière Brothers films!

  Baby’s Lunch BUY TICKETS

  A baby is given lunch, and you are there to feel the stress! Watch in awe as the baby doesn’t eat everything the mother wants to give him! A slapstick comedy in the vein of, well, nothing ever before seen!

  The Sprinkler Sprinkled BUY TICKETS

  The comedy follow-up to the successful “Baby’s Lunch,” this lap-smacking farce is about a man and a sprinkler and the silly damp relationship the two share! Bring your bathing suits, you may just get wet!

  Girl Opens Door BUY TICKETS

  A girl opens a door. Over and over again. Marvel as she opens that door right in front of your eyes. It will seem as though you’re there opening the door too! A knee-slapping comedy tour de force!

  Man Lights Candle BUY TICKETS

  In this mystery film, a man takes out a dangerous flame and lights a candle right before your eyes. It is as if the candle is right there, lighting up the darkness around you! How is it possible!? Then, he lights a candle over and over again! Amazing!

  Woman Up Stairs / Woman Down Stairs (Double Feature) BUY TICKETS

  A film for the ladies! A woman goes up some stairs, and you feel as if you’re right there with her! Then, she’ll do it again and again and again! But wait, there’s more! Here, in this double feature, you’ll also get to see the same woman go down some stairs. Again and again. Stunning, a must-see!!

  ---

  The Lumière Brothers pride themselves on their cutting-edge, must-see-event films! To subscribe to the Lumière Brothers mailing list and hear about our upcoming films, please send an e-mail here.

  From: http://www.leo_tolstoy.ru/blog/

  Subject: Peace, Not War

  I have recently begun corresponding with a young Indian named Mohandas Gandhi—whose words you can read here. He is a young activist who shares my thoughts and feelings regarding war and pacifism and does so on his blog as well (although I find his comments to be awfully terse—I am able to finish reading his daily thoughts in a few short minutes). Although I have no way of knowing what impact this Gandhi figure may have on India in the long run, I am always pleased to share thoughts regarding the issues that matter to me while bridging the gap between language, culture and society. (I would suggest to him, had I known him better, that his name is not easy to spell and may not roll off the tongue as well as he may wish it to. A possible name change may work wonders for him.)

  My most recent thoughts on societal evil can be found here. As these writings exceed 145 digital pages of text, I am unable to provide them for you here on the front page of my digital journal.

  My supplemental thoughts on previous thoughts I had regarding the meshing of real historical figures with fictitious characters in my novel War and Peace can also not be presented here on this front page, as their pages number 243. Due to the length of this journal post you must download it and attempt to read it using your own mechanisms. Since I have written it I have been unable to reread it myself, due to the fact that any and all of my devices are unable to retrieve a file this large. What I can tell you, however, is it is impressively long!

  I received some correspondence from those who read www.leo_tolstoy.ru who mentioned that my article entitled “The Positives of Peaceful Protest” had no text below the header. This was, it turns out, due to the fact that this article in particular was 452 pages long with a 10 point font. This comes out to be about 673 handwritten or typefaced pages and it appears as if the current technology cannot handle such a thing. I will attempt to post the shortened version, which comes in at around 259 pages—a quick read compared to the latter.

  I have additional links to additional pieces that I have written for your perusal, but unfortunately, it appears as if those additional mentions ended up taking approximately 320 pages—which I can also not provide here on this front page due to loading issues. It appears as if I may have to break up the document, which includes links to all my documents and writings into shorter documents like today’s text. In doing so, it will take me 1,298 days in which to communicate this information, but the information and links will then, at least, be available to you. Expect such information over the next three or more years.

  If there’s an article or document you are desperate to study, please do not hesitate to provide your contact information to me.

  From: http://www.ed_wood.com/blog/

  From: http://www.gene_roddenberry.com/blog/

  Subject: The Pitch!

  Today I pitched my one-hour sci-fi/action/adventure drama, Star Trek, to the network.

  The pitch was solid, I think. I mean, I think it was solid. Damn, I’m not so sure. I know that when I mentioned the “wagon train” concept—you know, even though it’s in space it’s still about people riding around and stopping at dif
ferent planets (i.e., towns) where stories unfold—I think I saw some nodding. Of course, there was no recognition from the network executives when I spouted out my astronomy equation about how many carbon-based life-forms there probably are in our galaxy.

  2,800,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. (More on this equation here.)

  They asked what that had to do with Star Trek!

  The more I think about it, the more I can’t quite tell how it went over. When I talked about the Captain (Robert M. April) I sensed that they were… Oh, who am I kidding! I didn’t sense a thing. Wagon train. They got wagon train. Someone actually asked if there would be horses. HORSES! I may have even said, “yes, there will be horses.” I don’t even know anymore. Hell, if horses would get the show sold, I would include horses. Do you want horses!? You got ’em! (I could probably just let the crew go back to some kind of “alternate universe” where they could exist in scenarios that took place in familiar Earth settings like the Old West or 1920s Chicago or something…)

  Who am I kidding? Maybe I should go back to being a cop!

  When I mentioned the name of their ship, the SS Yorktown, I sensed that people didn’t like it. I thought it was a good name. Strong, dedicated, powerful! The YORKTOWN!

  I’m a total fraud, aren’t I?

  If I could have one wish right now it would be that in addition to selling this damn TV show, I would have no emotional attachment to it whatsoever. No emotions! At least then, no matter what happened, I could react to the situation with a calm, collected state of mind. Hmm. No emotions would save me from being sad, angry, frustrated, conflicted—all my downfalls! It’s sort of a great idea for a character trait.

  Oh, give it up, Roddenberry! That’s the stupidest idea ever.

  I’ll post as soon as I know what happens—for all THREE of you who happen to have stumbled across this site by accident. (Not you, Mother.)

  From: http://www.albert_einstein.org/blog/

  Subject: Staggering Frustration…

  About five or six weeks ago I took my usual break from the patent office to take a stroll around the outskirts of the city with my good friend Michele Besso—you may recall my writings from weeks ago (one of my few posts on this very complicated blog software)—my head was weighed down with a thousand thoughts about a thousand ideas and I was attempting to find the connective tissue between all of them. Michele is, indeed, so sharp and patient at the same time that he allows my words to simply hang out there for seconds, sometimes minutes at a time—sometimes they connect and sometimes they do not.

  This particular time… they did.

  I went home that night still close to what I was striving for but not fully grasping that which I had been looking for until the following morning. The excitement was palpable. This theory of relativity was more concrete than ever before. Finally, people who showed me no respect or consideration in the past would see that I had something worthwhile to contribute. I immediately set out to put these theories to the digital page so that there would be no delay, the kinds which normal ancient paper presses are ruled by. I would write them and print them here for the whole world to see!

  There was one tiny impasse.

  That impasse is this device which I have yet to fully grasp (which scares me every time I share a look with its blank, dark screen). I visited my neighbors—their son, at a ripe age of ten, knows more about operating this machine and the software within it than I can ever hope to know. He instructed me again as to how I could put my thoughts here on the digital page for all to see. After hours of explanation and reexplanation (really, one must need to be a genius in order to operate one of these marvels), I felt comfortable enough to begin writing straight into the blog’s interface.

  There was my viewpoint on the production and transformation of light. My thoughts on the kinetic theory of heat. Theories on electrodynamics of moving bodies and my special theory of relativity. Six weeks and thirty pages of work. I hit SUBMIT and waited.

  And waited. And waited. There was a beep of some kind, then a strange error message popped up in front of me. I turned the power button off and on again, in the hopes that it would fix the problem. Yet, when it came back on, everything I had written was gone.

  The screen was blank.

  Gone. It had disappeared! Everything. I frantically fetched the neighbor’s son, who searched but to no avail. Important documents, I told him. Life-changing theories!! He had to retrieve them, all this work I had done.

  The child looked to me and in an almost innocent voice exclaimed that he was, indeed, no genius. Indeed.

  Of course, this text appears with no problem! There is no rhyme or reason to the odds involved with such a confounding situation.

  I stare at the blank screen now with despair. The thoughts are still in my head, albeit a little less coherent, but I fear having to do it all over again and things are busy at the patent office as usual. I will see if my motivation comes back in a few weeks and possibly try again.

  Ugh. I just don’t get these computers. Too confusing. My mind… it just can’t grasp it.

  From: http://www.cleopatra.com/blog/

  Subject: Vacationing to Rome!

  44 B.C. is so the new 45 B.C., if you know what I mean.

  Last year (45 B.C.) was like so crazy for me with just too much attention and crazed peasants trying to get a piece of me every single minute of every single day! Oh my God, can you believe that I just grew tired of it all!? I mean, puh-leeze—I am just a person like the rest of you, and just because I am extremely wealthy and attractive and happen to be unofficially dating Julius Caesar doesn’t mean I don’t put on my personally designed gowns the same way you do!! With servants! Hah! Don’t we all!?

  So, whatever, I know you feel me. Last year was crazy and now this year is more of the same with the people and the wanting and the touching and the me me me me me!! It’s enough to just make you want to scream! And I have! Many times!

  That’s why I’m taking Caesarion my son with me to visit his dad in Rome next month (March) to visit the A-list Roman you all know from his power and his wealth and his good looks—J. Caesar. J.C. has promised he’s going to do it up for me, with lavish dinners and even top-of-the-line transportation coming to pick me up for the trip from Egypt. All I have to say is he’d better live up to his promises—we are traveling in STYLE.

  I want a four-horse chariot or I am NOT GOING ANYWHERE. And when I get into that four-horse chariot there better be a kick-ass Roman Gift Bag in there or J.C. ain’t getting anything from me if you know what I mean. I am a walking billboard of publicity for that guy and that Roman empire and if he wants the people to continue to be obsessed with this “forbidden romance” between the two of us then he’d better give the girl what she deserves. Jewels. I want more jewels.

  J.C. has also promised to help me get my new perfume (called ASP!) off the ground. It’s dangerous-sounding, like the poisonous snake! Get it? Dangerous, like me. So, ladies—if you wanna be like Cleo here, all attractive and pretty and wealthy and sexy and dangerous, then ASP is what you want the men to smell. I think it’ll be a big hit. and J.C. is gonna help me work some tie-ins with some of the big events in Rome this year to help up the awareness.

  I’ve got more photos of me up in the gallery section, now—so go check me out. There’s also a new page I’ve put up called “Cleo’s Beauty Tips” which you can read here after ponying up some of those sesterces in your pocket. Pay up—and learn what you can do to have that man of your dreams that’s just outside of your reach!

  On an unrelated note, signed drawings of me are all sold out—when we get our next shipment of granite and slate we’ll have the artist create some more and we’ll make them available again for purchase! I’ll be blogging from Rome in March, so see you then!

  From: http://www.john_d_rockefeller.com/blog/

  Subject: Today’s Blog from Mr. Rockefeller

  As Mr. Rockefeller is unable to blog for himself today, I will be blogging in his place per his
request. This is his personal blogger Nancy, as you very well know by now, as I have blogged for Mr. Rockefeller for the last 112 days. You can read my entries, as written for Mr. Rockefeller, in the Standard Oil Archives.

  In yesterday’s post, which I wrote for Mr. Rockefeller, I answered a variety of e-mails from those who wished to communicate a wide array of business opportunities or ideas to Mr. Rockefeller. As I mentioned yesterday, Mr. Rockefeller appreciates your ideas but is simply way too busy to respond to them. I will say Bill J’s idea for a car powered by something other than gas so that the United States is not dependent on oil was intriguing, but obviously the kind of scenario that is better suited to a science fiction novel. Mr. Rockefeller, to whom I brought up the previously suggested idea, did not respond except for flashing me a smug look which, after 112 days blogging for him, has come to mean, “What are you, stupid?”

  Today, Mr. Rockefeller would like me to blog for him about his childhood and his memories and experiences that brought him to where he is today.

  Mr. Rockefeller was born in Richford, New York, and was one of six children. As he grew, Mr. Rockefeller was a stellar student, a religiously anchored young man, and an extremely driven individual. Mr. Rockefeller eventually would leave high school to enroll in business classes, which would be the beginning of his huge oil empire.

  Mr. Rockefeller would also like you to know this quick fact: Did you know that Mr. Rockefeller’s first job was as a bookkeeper where he only made $25 a month? It’s quite amazing to see how far this business tycoon has come!

  Mr. Rockefeller would like everyone to know that even as a child he had lofty goals for himself and he just kept dreaming and going after his goals. Mr. Rockefeller would also like you to know that he believes if you don’t give up on your goals you will eventually reach that which you desire. He also wants you to know that he is not a fan of apples, so if you’re thinking about sending a gift basket of apples, to refrain from doing that, since they will just end up in the garbage.