The Lost Blogs Read online

But what is UP with this whole cloth string key thing? I don’t know if any of you saw me out partying it up last night but if you did and you can tell me what the hell I ended up doing last night, do me a big one and e-mail me. Seriously. Man, my head is friggin’ throbbing right now. Oh, and get this! I totally just realized that someone shaved or burnt my eyebrows off! I got black soot marks all over my damn body.

  I’ll bet you it was Adams. That guy is always talkin’ about shaving people’s eyebrows off and lighting them on fire. Come to think of it, Adams was also the guy who spearheaded the whole “write on Franklin’s forehead with ink while he’s passed out” thing. He’s always drunk, that’s probably why. Man, what is this key for?

  Anyway—to recap: I am clueless as to last night’s events. Give me a holler if you got anything to share.

  From: http://www.jack_ruby.com/blog/

  Subject: Liveblogging JFK’s Assassination!

  Nov 22, 12:30pm: President Kennedy has been shot No, I am NOT JOKING. Turn on your radio. I was just watching it on TV and I couldn’t believe my eyes. OK. Okay. I’m, I just don’t know what I can tell you… I am SO ANGRY.

  12:32pm: Still VERY angry. Kennedy is en route to a hospital. There’s no way he’s going to survive that shot. I can tell. Who did it? No idea. Some Commie bastard, I’m sure of it.

  12:33pm: Just kicked in part of the wall in the bathroom. Made me feel a little bit better.

  12:34pm: Angry again.

  12:38pm: Kennedy just arrived at Parkland Hospital. I hope they have good doctors there. I’ve never been to the Parkland Hospital but I gotta tell ya—I would never go to a hospital that had the word ‘park’ in its name. That’s like going to a hospital where the word ‘fun’ is in its name. Someplace called Funland Hospital. There’s no serious medicine being practiced there, I can tell you that GODDAMMIT.

  12:40pm: TV isn’t working anymore. Had to switch to radio. Antenna on the TV has been on the fritz lately. Waiting to hear if they caught anyone. Keep you up to date.

  12:43pm: Okay. I kicked in the TV. I didn’t want to mention that above, but I was angry. This is CRAZY. I am SO MAD.

  12:45pm: Police are getting somewhere. Suspect is slender white male about thirty, five feet ten, one sixty-five, carrying what looked to be a 30.30 or some type of Winchester. Says he was in the Book Depository. Locking it down.

  12:53pm: Seeing red. Blowing in paper bag. So very angry. Sad, too. More angry then sad. A sad/angry combination. About 30% sad, 70% angry.

  12:57pm: Update on anger percentage: 10% sad, 90% angry.

  1:00pm: Kennedy declared dead. 100% angry.

  [Update: Suspect in custody. Something Oswald.]

  [Update 2: I can’t do this anymore. 120% angry, −20% sad. I have things to take care of. I’ll be back. No blogging for the next few days. Gonna take a break]

  Angryangryangry.

  From: http://www.marquis_de_sade.fr/blog/

  Subject: An Apology to Renee

  Baby doll. Darlin’. I’m sorry. No, not sorry like last time—REALLY sorry.

  Darlin’, I hope you are reading these words and you can hear the disappointment in them. The disappointment in myself. I know that I am not the man you expected me to be and I apologize for hurting you in any way. The first few times when I hurt you, you said nothing—you simply skulked away and remained silent. How was I to know that you felt as if I had crossed a line in our marriage? I never meant to hurt you. I do have control over myself, unlike what you have vocalized to me, and these horrible painful things that I have done to you, I… They fill my… Just thinking about them makes me… I…

  Sorry, I am back. There was someone at the door.

  As I was saying, my little love-muffin—I never meant to hurt you. I know you believe me when I tell you that you mean more to me than anything, and if I ever put you in a position where you felt like I was harming you, it was simply an accident that… I… Uh, oooh yeah…

  Had to get a glass of water… Anyway—

  You gotta forgive me, baby. Accept my apology for these things which you find abhorrent. I am a good man. You make me want to be a better man. Having the police come to our door that night after I supposedly “abused” you was not the right thing to do, if I may say so myself. Bringing strangers from the outside into our lives adds complication to an already complicated relationship. You must know, deep down, that when I whip you it means I care for you more than I can express in words… You should know, that when I strap you into those painful contraptions, that it means I long for us to grow old together…

  This is why I wanted to apologize to you here, for all the world to see. So you knew, that I had grown, that I had matured, and that I can put these painful hobbies behind m—

  Sorry, I’m back. Where was I? Oh—I apologize.

  Please forgive me, darling. It will never happen again!

  [Webmaster note: Looking for pictures and erotic stories? Click to read.]

  From: http://www.c.s.lewis.com/blog/

  Subject: Mother’s Story

  “There’s a lying witch in the wardrobe,” she said. “She sleeps there, waiting for curious children who enjoy playing with their mother’s bras to come calling. And then, as they’re about to put her expensive bras on their head and play knights and dragons, well, the witch will awaken and strike them dead right on the spot!!”

  Mother told Warren and me that story for years following the “bra incident of 1907” in which expensive bras became expensive warrior headdresses and armbands, painted in the colours of our tribes. As I got older, and smarter, I still feared this “lying witch.”

  Then I got to thinking. If she was a “lying witch” she should be telling untruths. If she was sleeping in there, she should be “a witch lying down in the wardrobe.” It was about then that her entire story unraveled and I realized that the grammatical inconsistencies pointed to the falsehoods being spun by mother dearest.

  Still there was always something catchy about there being a “lying witch in the wardrobe.” I guess you could say, it’s a phrase that’s always been with me. Sooner or later, I’ll find a way to scare other small children with just that.

  I shared the story with my fellow Inklings here at Oxford (the literary discussion group I frequent) and friend J.R.R. suggested turning such a short story into an elaborate tale of hidden worlds and beloved objects. I suggested that a missing bra from my mother could not be the cause of adventure and conflict, and that’s when he suggested perhaps that I make it a bracelet or ring of my mother’s that had gone missing—that which all creatures in this world were after. Nothing rang true, it seemed, but it was a lively discussion nonetheless.

  “There’s a lying witch in the wardrobe…”

  Indeed. Indeed there is.

  From: http://www.b_f_skinner.com/skinner-blog/

  Subject: Experiment #45D (No Instructions Available)

  CLICK ON THIS BUTTON TO READ AN ENTRY ON MY WEEKEND.

  ARE YOU INTERESTED IN A SKINNER-BLOG T-SHIRT? CLICK THIS BUTTON AND YOU MAY VERY WELL BE REWARDED WITH ONE.

  ARE YOU HUNGRY?

  BY CLICKING ON THIS BUTTON YOU WILL BE GIVEN A POLL THAT YOU MUST ANSWER HONESTLY. IF YOU DO NOT ANSWER HONESTLY YOU WILL NEVER BE GIVEN THE CHANCE TO CLICK ANOTHER BUTTON.

  THIS BUTTON IS BLACK. CLICK IF YOU LOVE BLACK.

  IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE ADDED AS A LINK ON THIS BLOG, CLICK ON THIS BUTTON, THEN CLICK ON ALL THE OTHER BUTTONS, AND REPEAT EVERY DAY FOR SEVEN (7) CONSECUTIVE DAYS.

  CLICKING REPEATEDLY ON THIS BUTTON WILL DO YOU NO GOOD, AS IT IS BROKEN. THIS LINK IS BROKEN. DO NOT CLICK ON IT. I REPEAT, THIS BUTTON IS BROKEN, SO THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO BE CLICKING ON IT.

  From: http://www.blognation.ch/~SunTzu/

  Subject: The Art of Blogging

  Thanks to the success of The Art of War, I have decided to turn my attention toward the next frontier that affects the State. The art of blogging. I have spent much time coming up with a wholly original, extremely unique document t
o address this newfound artistic endeavor. Any similarity to The Art of War is purely coincidental.

  I will continue to share examples from this upcoming text with you, here, on a daily basis. Your thoughts are welcome.

  The art of blogging is of vital importance to the State.

  All blogging is based on deception.

  Hence, when able to post, we must seem unable; when using our creative thoughts, we must seem uncreative; when we are near to posting, we must make our readers believe we are far from it; when far from posting, we must make our readers believe we are near.

  Now in order to cause your readers to post comments, they must be roused to anger; that there may be advantage from engaging such readers, they must have their rewards (like a free T-shirt or something).

  A distracting background song may weaken your blogging opponents, while a pleasant one may make them stronger; this is why you must choose wisely instead of not choosing at all.

  Your links are only as strong as those who stand behind such links; one weak link will act as a hole in your literary armor.

  While linking to a popular blog entry gives you strength in numbers, writing an original post makes you stronger as one, where many spread over the land to read one post repeated again and again, your followers’ numbers will rise when you are the sole author of one post entirely.

  The principle on leaving negative comments is clear, while a man who leaves negative comments is well known for his negativeness, a man who leaves positive comments is barely known at all—this keeps his identity unknown for when anonymity is necessary.

  A blog with an easy-to-remember URL may garner many visitors and positive word of mouth, but it will never gain the respect of a URL that is hard to find; that which people seek out will always gain the most respect.

  If you must destroy a fellow blogger, then you must destroy a fellow blogger.

  Other projects that are also currently in progress include The Art of “The Art of War”, More “Art of War”, Some Things You May Not Know About “The Art of War”, “ The Art of War: The Beginning” and Hot Steamed Rice in Less Than One Hour.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  PAUL DAVIDSON is the author of Consumer Joe: Harassing Corporate America, One Letter at a Time. In

  addition to writing for film and TV, he is a regular contributor to Wired, mental_floss, NPR, and his

  own blog, Words for My Enjoyment ( www.pauldavidson.net). He lives in Los Angeles with his wife

  and dog, who cares more about liver treats than being included here… but what the hell.

  THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS

  TOO MUCH INFORMATION

  What if the most famous, brilliant, obsessive, strange, dumb and evil people throughout history had blogs? Wonder how Charles Lindbergh kept busy during his transatlantic flight? Wonder how Napoleon could possibly have reached the keyboard? In THE LOST BLOGS, you’ll read the intimate weblogs of 175 iconic historical figures writing about their stupid pets, shaving rituals, primate romances, and plans for world domination—just like any other blogger…maybe even you! Here’s your chance to discover:

  Why Vlad the Impaler (and closet fashionista) insisted on symmetrical impalings

  How a juicy hot dog nearly derailed Gandhi’s hunger strike

  Helen Keller’s photoblog

  Brigham Young wondering what to get his forty-three wives for Mother’s Day

  Frida Kahlo’s lucrative endorsement deal with a tweezer manufacturer

  Shakespeare selling out by bringing Romeo and Juliet back from the dead after the Queen calls the play “depressing”

  Marilyn Monroe’s frustration at her new beau “J,” who blows her off because of an impromptu engagement in Cuba

  So toss out your triple espresso and relieve your carpal tunnel syndrome. For the low. low price of $13.95, experience THE LOST BLOGS for half the cost of your monthly Internet fee, and read a digital version of history that was never meant to see the light of day.

  * JFK’s anonymous blog.

  * (Disclaimer: Bruce Lee’s Chinese-language blog has been translated into English for his North American fans using an online translation service that may or may not change the meanings of a few isolated words.)