The Lost Blogs Page 5

  I pushed G over and over again until she finally broke and told me.

  No, it wasn’t that we weren’t connecting. It wasn’t that our backgrounds were different. It didn’t even have to do with her not being attracted to me or not liking my family. When it came down to it, it was all about one silly little misunderstanding.

  My socks.

  Weeks prior, apparently G had seen me with my hands in my socks. Talking to my socks with my hands in them. She, well, told me that it made her a little bit uncomfortable,’ and that since the initial incident she had seen me doing it every time I made my way past the chest of drawers in my bedroom.

  To be fair to her, yes. I have done this. Why? I’m not quite sure, although deep down I feel a compulsion to do so. I’ve done the research, I’ve read books—and nowhere have I seen an explanation of such a thing. So my hands are in a sock. So I talk to them. Is there anything really so wrong with that? Is it something to end a relationship over?

  I expressed these thoughts to G, who was adamant that she couldn’t see past this obvious fetish’ I seemed to have with socks. Another relationship down the drain.

  On the bright side (because there always is one if you really look deep inside yourself), I now have more time to get to know myself and what’s inside.

  Someday I’ll find it. That obvious connection. The lovers, the dreamers and me.

  From: http://www.lincolnblog.com/forum/

  Subject: Today’s Thoughts on the Lincoln Blog Discussion Forum’s Vulgar Commentators

  Seven months ago my webmaster brought forth on this blog a new forum section, dedicated to the proposition that all men should be given equality in public discussion. Yet now it seems that the users are engaged in a great war of words, testing whether this forum or any forum so dedicated can long endure.

  We are met on a great blog forum of that war of words, having come to dedicate a portion of that forum as a final resting place for posts and opinions and rants for as long as this blog forum might exist. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

  But in a large sense, we cannot fully alleviate such vulgar words here on this site. Brave men, who struggled here in this blog forum for goodness, have added, not detracted, to the overall power of the typewritten word. It is the “bad apples” who have detracted by spreading rumors about my private life, twisting my words and the words of my family, and by posting unflattering, unclothed pictures of Mary Todd Lincoln that strangely have never existed prior to this forum’s existence. The world will little note nor long remember what we say or do here in this forum, but that which is not remembered must still be presented respectfully.

  We must be dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that these vulgar commentators who put forth unnecessary and harmful words should be reported and removed from the Lincoln blog as to present the rest of our users with a new birth of freedom—a blog forum of the members, by the members and for the members.

  When such has been realized, only then will the Lincoln blog’s forum section be a true testament to the users of this weblog.

  —

  In other news, I will be attending a performance of Our American Cousin at the Ford Theatre this week! If you plan on also attending, please stop by and say hello! I hear the performers are truly passionate about their craft!

  From: http://www.tutankhamen.com/

  Subject: Rules, Schmules!

  The 1330s sure are boring.

  You’d think there’d be something better to do around here than just sit in my room, but my advisor Ay, along with the others, suggest that I be heard but not seen. Instilling fear in and gaining respect from Egyptians for a boy my age is a tough prospect and must be, as Ay says, handled delicately.

  But I am soooooooo bored.

  I asked Ay when I would be able to start making decisions on my own and he suggested that when I had lived twenty-one years, that then, then I could be allowed such privileges. Same old story—as long as I live in this kingdom, I must follow his laws. Only by following his laws will everyone else fear me. Fear. That is power, he says.

  I started to think about fears. The kinds of things that I’m afraid of. Here’s some that I came up with:

  First of all, I am afraid of being confined in small dark places. Anything where I can’t really move, or where I have to lie in a position where my arms are crossed over my chest and my legs must remain straight. Or anything where my face is covered with something. That gives me the willies.

  Secondly, you wouldn’t believe this, but I am afraid of being the center of attention. You know, people looking at me, peering into my eyes. I can imagine that the most horrific thing ever would be to have to stand somewhere, still, and just let thousands of people stand and stare at me. That makes my skin crawl.

  Finally, and this is silly because I am so young and have so many years ahead of me—but I would wish that when my time does come that people remember me in respectful ways. Perhaps if someone would write a song about me, something that remembers my years as King… Something that really takes my rule seriously and presents me in a respectful light… That would be good. Thinking about the years after my life, and not being treated with such lyrical respect, is a fear of mine.

  Oh well. Thank Osiris I’ll never have to worry about those things!!

  From: http://www.antonio_salieri.com/mozartbootlegs/

  Subject: Mozart Bootlegs

  Amadeus Mozart would have you think that in order to experience “the grandeur” of his performances, that you must either be a royal or have the financial resources to attend one of his concerts.

  That is why I started my Mozart bootleg site—so “peons,” as Mozart would refer to you, would have an opportunity to listen to his music and make up their own mind about whether or not the composer really is as good as he says he is. (The answer is no.)

  Nonetheless, I have kept a fairly exhaustive collection of his performances (along with some brief personal comments of my own) in an attempt to better my own techniques (and to be aware of the mistakes and pitfalls such a composer falls into when he is more interested in his image than his music). Also, if you see Mozart doing anything stupid, please e-mail me with the information so I may post it on my Stupid Things Mozart Did This Week website.

  Performances/Bootlegs:

  In the Court of the Elector of Bavaria (he stutters at 01:18:33)

  1762

  Imperial Court (played same note twice at 00:07:11)

  1762

  Court of Munich (snorted while playing at 02:00:23)

  1763

  Court of Mannheim (long pause at 00:34:33)

  1763

  Court of Paris (song played out of order, first 30 seconds!)

  1763

  Court of London (just plain bad. 00:00:00-2:31 :00)

  1763

  The Hague (sounded a little off, 01:11:09)

  1764

  Three Nights in Paris (fully out of tune, which is Mozart’s fault)

  1764

  Salzburg #1 (finger slippage on keys at 00:25:21)

  1768

  Salzburg #2 (first night was better)

  1768

  Salzburg #3 (not nearly as good as second night)

  1768

  Click above to download. Please share with anyone you like! Comments and questions to salieri@hatemozart.com.

  From: http://www.andy_warhol.com/blog/

  Subject: My Blog Entry

  MY BLOG ENTRY

  m y b l o g e n t r y

  MY BLOG ENTRY

  m y b l o g e n t r y

  MY BLOG ENTRY

  my blog entry

  my blog entry

  MY BLOG ENTRY

  MY BLOG ENTRY

  MY BLOG ENTRY

  From: http://www.betsy-ross.com/~sewingblog/

  Subject: Patriotic Projects

  Greetings fellow sewers, knitters and others with artistic trades! Back by popular demand, this week I’d like to highlight a selection o
f very creative projects I’ve worked up for all of you ! Please note, by clicking on a project, you will be charged a nominal fee for the pattern, instructions and the Betsy Ross trademark logo.

  Star-Spangled Winter Cap

  Warm, snuggly and patriotic! This star-spangled winter cap incorporates the famous Betsy Ross American Flag theme, while giving mothers and grandmothers the opportunity to craft something to keep their man’s head warm out on cold nights while fighting the British!

  Red, White and Blue Bonnet

  For Sundays at Church or for those nice family picnics, what better way to show your support for Betsy Ross and our Founding Fathers than to wear the famous Betsy Ross American Flag theme on a silk, stylish bonnet? (Also available— Star-Spangled Bonnet)

  13 Star Suspenders

  Does your husband have trouble keeping his pants up? Why not sew him a pair of suspenders, decorated with the thirteen stars representing the thirteen colonies, as made famous by Betsy Ross!? Now your man can be popular, patriotic—and the “star” of your city or town. Comes with bonus red, white and blue wooden teeth! (Also available— 13 Star Stockings)

  Patriotic Pants w/Red Ruffles

  Betsy Ross’s trademark patriotic pants which she wore while crafting America’s greatest visual treat can be yours with this easy-to-follow, easy-to-sew pattern. What woman wouldn’t love to wear these airy and baggy pants, covered in stars and stripes, and made even more appealing with a red ruffle trim! Betsy Ross knows how it feels, and soon so shall you!

  Absolutely Amazing Apron

  It’s an apron. And it’s absolutely amazing due to the red, white and blue colored squares, all surrounding the face of the famous Betsy Ross! Show your friends you know who’s responsible for America’s greatest sewn icon, the American flag, by wearing this amazing accoutrement while preparing meals for your family! (Also available— Absolutely Amazing Army Pants)

  Hope you all enjoy the above patterns and projects! Stay tuned for further projects, so you can be the “spangled star” of your town!

  From: http://georgeburns.blogs.com/

  Subject: If You Can Read This, Your Eyesight Is Better than Mine

  I need a magnifying glass to see what I am typing up here. Which of course, is a much better alternative than women needing a magnifying glass to see what I am hyping down there… Yet here I sit, mostly because I can’t stand… writing to you.

  People told me this blog thing was a great way to pick up women. At the insane asylum. See, it’s the people who spend all day in a dark room that scare me—mostly because I just don’t have the stamina for that anymore. Seriously, though — I figure that this is a great way to be remembered… until all the electricity goes out.

  Maybe after I’m dead, which some people think I am already, people will turn on their computers (if they can figure out how to) and tune in to this place. I’ve always wanted to leave something behind for the American public. Besides my cold, lifeless, very attractive body.

  I hope I wrote something funny up there. Can you see it? I can’t.

  Personally, I don’t believe in dying. Its been done. I’m working on a new exit. Besides, I can’t die now—you’re here, reading me. Or sleeping. Either way, you’re a captive audience. I always said that a comedian’s best tools are his sense of humor and a roll of duct tape. Pretty sticky sis!

  I wanted to take the opportunity today to talk about something extremely important and historically significant, so I decided to talk about me.

  Some more.

  I don’t quite get this e-mail thing. An electronic way of sending mail in seconds. I don’t want to do anything that only takes seconds. I’d rather not even have a quick wit. When you get to be my age, you want everything slower. Aging, sex and sponge baths from the nurses. I like nurses. Anyone who changes your diaper can’t be all that bad.

  Okay, time’s up. Gotta go. If you want to e-mail me, you can send your hate mail here, but remember that since I hate e-mail, I’ll never read it.

  See you next week!

  G.

  From: http://www.sittingbull-onlinepoker.com/

  Subject: Sitting Bull’s Online Poker Emporium and Blog Is Currently Closed

  Currently engaged in battle against General Custer. Will reopen as soon as humanly possible.

  From: http://www.lyndon_b_johnson.com/blog/

  Subject: A Thousand Thanks!

  Lady Bird and I wanted to thank everyone for their support this week in the election—your involvement, dedication and support to both my family and President-elect Kennedy will not go unnoticed. There’s a lot that President Kennedy and myself want to do for the American people and we’re looking forward to getting our hands dirty—if you know what I mean.

  This week brought back many memories for Lady Bird and myself from the Senate days—and while my victory back then in becoming a Texas senator was widely known to be a slim victory separated by just a few votes—the rumors of this week’s election being won by a small margin is neither here nor there. The American people have spoken, and I am proud to be a part of that choice.

  As I promised during the middle of the campaign, I will answer a limited amount of questions via e-mail. This week’s question comes from jimmyp13@aol.com who asks, “How does it feel to be the Vice President of the United States!?”

  Well, Jimmy—although I am not technically the Vice President of the United States just yet, I must say that it makes me feel honored and relieved all at once. Honored that I was offered the position by President-elect Kennedy, and accepted by the American public. Relieved in that the position is not that of the President.

  You must know, as your teachers have taught you in school, the job of President of the United States is a huge job. It is a position that is unforgiving. Mistakes cannot happen. Decisions must be made without any wavering. Other world leaders look to our President in shaping their own policies. As Vice President, I will fortunately not have to deal with as much pressure and responsibility.

  Can I just say, “phew”? Seriously, really—I’m a bit relieved.

  The next e-mail question comes from abagail88@dc.com who asks, “Do you think you’ll run forPresident at the end of your term as Vice President?”

  Well, Abagail—let me just answer that quickly by saying that although it may very well be a possibility, it is a possibility that is very very very very very far off and something that I won’t have to worry about for at least two—three years. And for that, I am thankful!

  Although someday, maybe, possibly—I could be interested in a position such as that, it’s good to know that for now, I can learn from President-elect Kennedy in this “apprentice” type position, where the American public will not rely as heavily on me as they will on the President of the United States!

  With that being said, I want to thank everyone again for their support and I look forward to being the best Vice President for this country that I can be!

  From: http://www.helenkeller.com/~photoblog/

  Outdoor shot at Ivy Green Estate during

  wintertime.

  Me and fellow students at

  Wright-Humason School

  for the Deaf in NYC.

  Sunset and mountain range, Alabama.

  Nightlife in Connecticut, 1948.

  Church, I think.

  Family picnic and day of fun!

  From: http://www.lewisandclarkexpedition.com/~meriwetherlewis/

  Subject: Personal Web Journal, Entry #47

  Let me ask you a question.

  If you’ve been chosen to lead an expedition to the West Coast of the Americas by the President of the United States himself, and you stick your neck out (and even He) so that a friend of yours with a much lower rank (i.e., Second Lieutenant) can co-lead such an expedition, and you even go out of your way to refer to him as Captain even though he’s never even held the rank of Captain… Don’t you think that if his whistling is getting on your nerves and you ask him to stop whistling even though the Indians seem to li
ke the whistling (which he’ll continue to tell you over and over and over again)… that he should stop the whistling?

  It’s not that I abhor whistling. Before the Corps of Discovery left Saint Charles, Missouri, for the West Coast, I often found myself whistling in times of relaxation and thoughtfulness. But whistling the same song ( MP3 link here), over and over and over again, over the course of five months, and giving such an invented song a title like “The Whistling Walk” and insisting on learning how to translate that into a variety of native languages just so you can make sure they know the name in their own tongues is, well, annoying.

  And while I’m on the subject of whistling. I’d also like to ask you a second question. If you’ve been chosen by the Captain of a high-profile exploration mission to the West Coast and he sticks out his neck for you and even refers to you as Captain in front of all the other Privates on such an exploration, and one day you ask to borrow your friend/Captain’s rifle to kill an animal… And during the process of killing such an animal you get dirt and gunk in the trigger… And your Captain/friend asks you to clean out the trigger area so it doesn’t rust… And you tell him you will… And then you never do it… And you get asked again every day for two months to clean out the trigger and you still don’t do it… Don’t you consider that to be, well, wrong?

  And don’t get me started on the coughing of one fellow Captain, who also loves to tell stories that have no endings whatsoever, tries to make leadership decisions and proclamations that are obviously not his own, expects that he should be the liaison between President Jefferson and all Indians for the sole reason that he knows French (which doesn’t even have any bearing on the situation) and that he should also get the most of a meal because he needs more energy, which will help him in his leadership techniques when, in fact, he has no leadership techniques whatsoever.