The Lost Blogs Read online

  I think that’s all I have to say today.

  From: http://www.lewisandclarkexpedition.com/~williamclark/

  Subject: Personal Web Journal, Entry #47

  Things are going so great!

  I can’t express how great things are going here in our exploration to the West Coast of the Americas. Really, being Captain of the expedition has been both enlightening and exciting, since every single member of my team looks up to me as the ultimate leader of this trip!

  I have a story to share with all our readers, which I think will be extremely telling and exciting to all of you who are keeping up here on the Corps of Discovery Weblogs. Having met the Yankton Indians, our group decided to sit down with their governing council in an attempt to inform them that this land, now, belonged to the United States. We were, as instructed, ready to offer such natives the protection and trade agreements in exchange for the safety of the land when something very insane happened—

  On a totally unrelated note, “The Whistling Walk” has now become the favorite whistle song of the entire company—and although I seem to be the only one capable of fully whistling all thirty-two bars of the song over and over again without ever getting tired, I can see that the expedition has benefited from such happy, high-spirited, musical accompaniment.

  Really, there’s not much more I have to say! Things are going great and I’m having a great time and morale between Lewis and myself couldn’t possibly be any better!

  I’ll respond to questions whenever possible! Just be sure to e-mail all your questions to me. Meriwether really doesn’t have the time to deal with that. So, just be sure to send them to me.

  From: http://www.freud-blog.com

  Subject: Self-Analysis, Dream Evaluation #33

  A curious dream awoke me this morning—one filled with images of death and destruction.

  With my subconscious at the helm, the dream presented me with an image of myself as a child, standing atop a large cliff and looking down at the unforgiving waters of the ocean. There I stood for some time. Staring out as the wind whipped violently against my face. I was holding hands with someone, whose face was obscured by the blurred vision—most likely the result of my subconscious not wanting to reveal who, as a child, I desired to be with in life and singularly in death.

  Then, without warning, the body of my younger self went limp, letting go of the safe hand and falling and twisting out of control to the murky waters below. Upon hitting the waters, however, I did not awaken as most would expect. Instead, a vision of a dark underwater area became clear to me as a variety of faceless other children came into focus.

  I awoke with a start upon seeing such faceless children, and can only imagine that these were the children of my youth that I have forgotten—my subconscious trying to communicate with my conscious mind that my memory continues to erase images and faces at an alarming pace.

  Posted by S. Freud at 4:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

  COMMENTS

  Maybe you’re afraid of death and destruction.

  Posted by: Anonymous | 4:15 AM

  Maybe you didn’t notice the fact that I didn’t ask for observations or interpretations?

  Posted by: S. Freud | 4:28 AM

  Dreams about falling mean that you’re afraid of taking some kind of big step or making some big decision. Maybe you’re afraid of something? Afraid that you can’t accomplish certain goals in life?

  Posted by: Bernard | 7:01 AM

  Perhaps you are a scared little bunny rabbit inside that body of yours, afraid that YOU will never live up to your own goals and the only way in which you can make yourself feel more confident is to redirect your energy into convincing others that they, themselves, are not reaching their goals. I say you do not know what you are talking about and should go spend more time with your mother, if you get my gist.

  Posted by: S. Freud | 8:21 AM

  Can you hold your breath underwater? ’Cause maybe if you can’t that’s what your dream is telling you, that you’re afraid of having to hold your breath underwater. I think that’s got to be it, I’m sure of it.

  Posted by: Julianne F. | 9:23 AM

  This dream is not about holding one’s breath underwater. Come back to this blog when you actually have real-world knowledge to contribute!

  Posted by: S. Freud | 9:41 AM

  I heard that if you dream of faceless children you may be allergic to beets.

  Posted by: Gil | 10:01 AM

  Please, no more inane comments or observations.

  Posted by: S. Freud | 10:21 AM

  You have a lot of anger issues, don’t you?

  Posted by: JD | 11:49 AM

  **COMMENTS CLOSED**

  From: http://www.nostradamus.com/~blog/

  Subject: Predictions, About Tomorrow’s Blog Entry

  Herein, I present to all of you (those who I expected would be here and who I predicted yesterday would arrive today) my predictions for tomorrow’s blog posting in typical quatrains, or four-line poetic fashion.

  Hundreds of words, flock to the page.

  Invisible at first, then plain to the eye.

  Sections, paragraphs and quatrains.

  Thousands will come for predictions.

  Tomorrow, of course, we shall see if the above prediction comes true (which we know it will). My vision of words appearing on this page which were once invisible—and the thousands who will read such words… I believe there is no question that this prediction is completely true.

  Now, my predictions about the day after tomorrow’s blog post:

  Letters will form words.

  What was once there, will be replaced.

  Sentences, phrases and poetry.

  Thousands will come, once again, like lambs to the slaughter.

  I believe that the above prediction will also come true (although you shall see when the day after tomorrow comes). I will let the words speak for themselves.

  I would also like to share with you a prediction I cast a mere seven days ago, in an attempt to answer correspondence and a challenge from a loyal blog reader. [email protected] asked me to predict what I would be doing exactly seven days in the future. Here is what I wrote:

  A question is asked.

  An answer is given.

  Seven days forward, all questions moot.

  For Lamus will be revealed as true.

  For those confounded with the meaning, I will spell it out as always. Ysidra’s question was asked seven days prior. And such questions no longer matter seven days forward since the answer would be given. All this has come true as I am currently answering the seven-day-old question and the question no longer matters. As for this name Lamus, it rhymes with Damus, which happens to be the last part of my name—which must refer to me, Nostradamus, which in turn proves that I am true and honest in my predictions.

  That is all for now! I will see you again tomorrow, as I have already predicted.

  From: http://www.benedict_arnold.us.gov/blog/

  Subject: Bene-DICT is Bene-DOOCED

  When I started this blog during Christmas 1775, I expected it would bring great things to my life. Not what befell me on this day.

  I was called in to meet with the Continental Congress today—I had been all but promised a major generalship after all that I have done for this country in these times of revolutionary war. I expected to be granted the official word when I arrived, but was instead met with a different outcome.

  It seems the Continental Congress does not approve of this blog. Of my personal thoughts about the war and how it’s being handled. That I have recounted many stories about myself and my good friend General George Washington. Without even giving me a chance to remove this blog from circulation, they instead chose to deny me this position and any other future positions because of my writing. Sure, they offered me a position to serve under General Horatio Gates—but it is clearly an insult.

  That the Continental Congress sees fit to deny a true leader a position such as this in a time
where they need strong, dedicated and intelligent commanders makes me question just exactly the intelligence of this government. That they should deny ME brings me to the conclusion that my services are being substantially undervalued.

  Perhaps there is some other group of individuals who might better appreciate my knowledge and the amount of intelligence I currently possess. Perhaps that is the next step in my life. Perhaps.

  Will I continue this blog now that I have been punished for writing it? Yes.

  Will I continue this blog now that I have been reprimanded for it? Yes.

  Will I continue to share my thoughts and insights into how many holes there currently are in the American military plan? Indeed, I will.

  While I try to shake this from my mind, please feel free to read previous entries such as: How the British Could Beat the Americans. Pt 1 & 2, Boston’s Weakness by Sea, and If I Were a Prisoner of the British Monarchy. Here’s What I’d Tell Them.

  Good reading.

  If anyone knows of other opportunities I might be interested in, please e-mail me.

  From: http://www.socrates.gr/blog/

  Subject: What Is a Subject?

  What is a good subject?

  What should I write here? What words would you want to see? What words could I place here that would keep you coming back for more discourse? Do I have the courage or motivation to make such ideas a reality?

  What knowledge do the answers to those questions give you? Do you know less than you knew before you read them? Do you, indeed, know nothing about anything?

  What should I write here?

  Should I write something you want to read? Or, in fact, if I wrote something that you wanted to read, would you want to read it any longer? If I wrote something that you didn’t want to read, would you want to read it more?

  Are you still reading? Why are you still reading?

  If you are reading to learn more, why do you want to learn more? And if you want to learn more simply to be more learned, then why do you want to be more learned? Is this something that will give you virtue? Courage? What is virtue? What is courage?

  Why am I asking you these questions?

  Do you think I am asking you these questions to find the answers? Or am I asking these questions to find out what are not the answers? Do you want to know the answers? If you do, why do you feel the need to know everything? And if you feel as though knowing everything makes you complete, why do you feel the need to be complete?

  Should this entry be complete? Or should it simply end without w—

  Did you see what I did there? I pretended like I was going to end the post but I didn’t. How did that make you feel? Did you feel as though you were cheated? Did that make you mad? If so. why did that make you mad? And if it made you mad because you don’t like being cheated, why is that?

  You can give me your answers here.

  (There are 6,542 more questions available for you to answer here (Pt 1) and here (Pt 2).

  From: http://www.edwardjohnsmith.com/shipslog/

  Subject: Retirement!

  It’s finally here—my last voyage as Captain of a vessel before I retire and leave the high seas behind. As you most likely are aware, I will be at the helm for the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic—which will leave England on April 10 on its way to New York City.

  I am so excited!!! This is going to be so much fun!

  Yesterday evening, my friends and family gathered to see me off on this major milestone and wouldn’t you guess—they made up a simply embarrassing shirt for me to wear in my off-hours. An obvious joke, and referencing the time while I was captaining the Germanic in 1899 when my ship capsized due to ice accumulations—they handed me a shirt with what appears to be a huge iceberg on it. I tried it on and we laughed for hours at how obscure such a situation was! Once in a lifetime, I guess.

  Some of our family friends crafted a song that was simply inspired—it was called Edward “Full Speed Ahead” Smith and made fun of the time when I was in charge of the Olympic—when it was damaged during a collision with another ship named the HMS Hawke. It was lyrically humorous and sung to the tune of “Old McDonald”:

  Edward John Smith had a ship,

  Uh oh, oh my God.

  And on that ship, he had some people,

  Uh oh, oh my God.

  With a boom crash here, And a crash boom there,

  Here a leak, there a leak, everywhere a wet leak!

  Edward John Smith crashed his ship,

  Uh oh, oh my God!

  Haha—they are so funny. You can hear us singing the song here.

  As always, when the night ended, and all the jokes about my previous accidents were left behind as silly little memories—we all shared a moment and they wished me well. It was, to say the least, a wonderful evening before this monumental journey I am about to undertake.

  Fortunately, retirement will be here before I know it. I can’t wait!!

  From: http://www.darwin.com/blog/

  Subject: The Mother-in-Law

  All God-fearing men find that there are some things more fearful than the wrath of the Almighty—which this poor soul found out two fortnights ago upon meeting for the first time my beloved’s mother.

  I must say, it being the first time, my stomach was tied and twisted… My skull headachy and clouded with questions. My health, which had been good up until that moment, was quick to fall. My dearest E’s mother had a look about her that which I had never seen before.

  My finger to put a point on it, after a longish evening of tea and crackers, the thought came to me. Respectful as I could be, I did not mention the thought to E until after we had left her mother behind. It was then that I said to E just what I was thinking. Her mother, however nice and motherly and helpful—her facial features (things I am quite aware of due to my work as a naturalist) reminded me of the African gorilla.

  She was not pleased to say the least.

  As I’ve said numerous times prior, my belief is that all creatures were created in the beginning… and remained as such throughout time. But in that moment, staring down the nose of my dearest wife’s mother’s face—I began to wonder if indeed such thoughts might be wrong. For, what if E’s mother-in-law, of the human species, was at some point not human at all? Perhaps, the longest ancestor removed… of an animal species?

  My beloved, of course, was cross with my thoughts and I apologized, for ’twas not meant to harm emotionally. But today, I cannot stop thinking about this idea. It is, yes, against God’s original plan—but what if there is another explanation?

  I received a letter last month from those planning a worldwide expedition on the HMS Beagle— looking for a naturalist on a trip to the strange Galapagos islands. I had disregarded such a trip for there was no reason for me to go—for what hypothesis would I be able to prove in such a place? That is, now, my thoughts betray me.

  My mother-in-law looks like an ape. And I must find the reason for such a thing—and the one place I know where to look is, out there, in nature.

  I have placed on here, side by side, a picture of my beloved’s mother and the African gorilla. While I am gone, you may discuss amongst yourselves if you think my beliefs have merit or are simply the insane mutterings of a less-than-respectful husband.

  From: http://www.pt_barnum.com/blog/

  Subject: Current Job Openings at Barnum Amusements!

  Most of you reading this blog are familiar with the famous midget “General Tom Thumb” and the famous show which I produced with him. We have had a rollicking run but now it is time for new performers to take his place! We are currently hiring new performers!!

  Please e-mail me if you have any of the following talents and/or deformities… or you know someone who does. You can also upload your résumé here or create one in the Barnum Résumé-a-Popper!

  Barnum Amusements Is Currently Looking For:

  Women who look like men.

  Men who look like women who look like men.

  Midgets who fanc
y eating a ton of cheese.

  Native Americans who have piercings and dance exotically.

  People who can squirt liquid out of their nose or ears.

  Extremely tall or fat people who have squeaky voices.

  Half-animal/half-humans.

  People who are missing limbs and/or have deformities who are comfortable working with squirrels.

  Ugly fat babies that are cross-eyed.

  Double-jointed foreigners with strange accents.

  Really scary, ugly people.

  Barnum Amusements Is Also Looking for People Who Can Fit These Performer Titles:

  The Regurgitator

  The Milkman

  The Alcoholic Mouseman

  Zalmach the Attractor

  Miniature Mel

  The Newspaper Delivery Boy

  Hammerhead Hal

  Mexican Magician

  Two-Timing Flipper Baby

  The Astounding Dirt Licker

  Egg-Laying Lola

  The Blowhard

  The Earless Wonder

  Unnamed Strange-Lookin’ Fella (this name is subject to change)

  From: http://www.dante_alighieri. com/blog/

  Subject: Hell! Can Now Be Yours!

  ABANDON ALL HOPE!

  HELL IS HERE!

  (Now Available for Download!)

  Unbaptized Pagans!

  Gluttons!

  Sloths!

  Heretics!

  Seducers!

  Flatterers!

  Rivers of Blood!

  Hypocrites!

  Thieves!

  Traitors!

  Disease!

  The Circles of HELL can now be

  yours to own!