The Lost Blogs Read online

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  From: http://www.arthurconandoyle.com/blog/

  Subject: The Case of the Missing Post

  The night is the darkest right at this moment, as I fill in this page with words that were once not needed… eclipsed by a post both ingenious and mysterious. A post filled with action, intrigue and drama. A post that, with an accidental flip of a button, went missing from wherest it once was. Such a post, one I crafted for hours, has now gone accidentally missing.

  You can imagine my chagrin as the events unfolded. Quietly crafting, word by word, extremely pleased with the outcome and ready to send to the world when, all at once, the light went dark and the world on the page went missing completely.

  My dear readers—you must know that at first I deduced that such an accidental happening was not the result of pure chance but one which was motivated by others who are less than pleased with my own success. I traipsed out into the darkness, finding none other than footprints measured in the snow. Such footprints led away from an electrical box beside my home to the road that stood 100 meters away. The shoe prints moved steadily and quickly, as the impression in the snow was still crisp and clean with no sign of melting or destruction. My observation seemed astute until I came face-to-face with my neighbour who had also been searching for the reason behind such an electrical mystery.

  So, then, what was the cause of the missing post? For what reason would a document I had created suddenly disappear to origins unknown? I searched high and low around my sitting area—tracing the cord of the device down to the floor. The wood panels, aged from the years, had a dusty film upon them. Although, upon further investigation, it was apparent that such dust had shaken from the sides of my socks—sitting in shoes that had seen the outdoors.

  And so I looked even further below my space—crawling in a place that my body was never meant to be. My deduction about foul play may be correct, I recall thinking to myself as I dug deeper, further into the darkness beneath my sitting area in an attempt to solve this mysterious case of the missing post.

  And then, almost immediately, the mystery was solved! There, unplugged and lying dormant on the wood-paneled floor, was none other than the plug to my device. My foot it seems had pulled the device’s power on its own accord, replacing any suspicion of foul play with the common solution in its place—pure human error.

  Just know that whatever post was once here—it would have entertained you to the fullest. A short story of intrigue, mystery and malcontents. But alas, maybe this one will far surpass, seeing as though a mystery emerged and was solved right before your very own eyes! My breath, as much as yours, has most probably been taken away!

  -CD

  From: http://www.samson.com/hairblog/

  Subject: Another Inch in Gaza

  Some of you may already have received the “Official Samson Hair Status Subscription List” (you can subscribe here if not); then you are all well aware that my hair has grown another inch longer and I am feeling stronger than ever before. The Samson Hair Length Photo Gallery is now open for your perusal.

  If you do not have the technology to view such pictures, let me take a moment to describe to you how my strength-filled hair now appears to a stranger who might glance upon it while walking down the street.

  Imagine this—if you were to walk behind me, you would see my luscious locks hang effortlessly down to the edge of my neck where it meets my shoulders, then fall and lie over the tops of my shoulder muscles. Really, it’s a sight to behold that you may want to see in person. I’m in Gaza right now, in case you are too.

  Speaking of Gaza, it appears as if another woman has fallen in love with yours truly and his hair. Her name is Delilah, and I must say that this beauty has also found her way into my heart. We have spent some time together, but last night she appeared to be out of her element. She wrestled me to the ground, pinning my arms at the floor (which I could have broken out of thanks to the strength my hair gives me, but which I chose not to use at that moment because I was enjoying the interplay) and demanded to know the origin of my strength.

  As you very well know, I try not to tell people that I’m strong because of my hair, because once you tell someone that—well, first they think you should probably be named a heretic and, second of all, they’ll probably want to shave off your hair. (I mean, who doesn’t want to own the hair that makes someone so exceptionally strong?! If I didn’t own my own hair I would want to own my own hair if it was someone else’s hair that they themselves owned.)

  So, I told Delilah that my strength came from lifting heavy rocks and stones. Which she didn’t believe. Then I told her that I was strong, just as my father was strong. And then I told her that it was the result of an angel’s prophecy.

  That Delilah is a pretty persuasive woman.

  In the end, I told her the truth and let her in on the secret that the true strength I possess actually comes from my glorious locks of hair. And that without them, I am nothing. But since I trust her (she seems very honest), at least I know she won’t tell anyone and that my secret is safe with her.

  Besides, she said she promised not to tell a soul.

  From: http://www.jimjones.com/blog/

  Subject: Kool-Aid or Hawaiian Punch?

  I can’t quite decide which one I like better.

  If you were planning a big ol’ party with lots of friends, family members and relatives and you had to choose a particular punch because you were going to make that the center of the entire party/buffet—which one do you think would be more appealing?

  Personally, I think Kool-Aid is the way to go. Kool-Aid seems to have a cheerier, happier mascot—the big happy glass bowl of Kool-Aid who comes crashing through people’s walls screaming “Oh yeah!” Now, let’s turn our attention toward Hawaiian Punch—their mascot is a strange-looking short individual who wears an awfully obscure hat on his head. As an adult or a child, I think I would personally much prefer the happy, energetic mascot used in the Kool-Aid ads to the creepy, short eerie-looking man.

  But then again, people flock to Hawaii in the wintertime. Just thinking about the beaches and the waves of the Hawaiian coast puts me in a comfortable lull. It’s paradise, Hawaii—all of the islands instill a calming effect in those who visit. So, perhaps in thinking about this new tidbit of information, Hawaiian Punch might be the better choice.

  For example, if I were to turn to you and say, “Would you like a glass of refreshing Kool-Aid, the drink whose mascot is a funny, happy little wall-crashing smiling jar of juice?” or, “Would you like a glass of paradise-like Hawaiian punch—the kind you’d probably end up drinking on a beautiful beach on the island of Maui?” which question would urge you to swallow the liquid?

  Now that I’m really thinking about it, I am starting to believe that Hawaiian Punch may be the way to go.

  Then again, maybe the name recognition makes it seem as if I’m trying too hard to get people to drink the punch. Maybe if I were to simply pick up punch that wasn’t well known, or make my own punch with fruit and juices straight off the vine—maybe that would seem more realistic. Maybe then, if I were to say, “Would you like a glass of this wonderful punch which I have made from scratch from a variety of fruits I picked myself off the vine?”… Maybe that would be the most realistic scenario.

  Then again, I often don’t eat or drink things that people make themselves because they’re never really as good as the kind of fare you’d buy in a restaurant or in a grocery store.

  Hmm. This is really a tough decision.

  Kool-Aid or Hawaiian Punch? Be sure to send me your thoughts here. I look forward to hearing what you have to say in this important matter!

  From: http://www.raykroc.com/mcblog/


  Subject: Welcome to Ray Kroc’s McBlog

  The day has finally come!

  I know we’ve been talking about this day for a while now and I am finally proud to announce that what you’re reading here is the first official blog entry for the McBlog—a groundbreaking new addition to the McDonald’s family that came out of a minor event in the Kroc family.

  I was sitting with my children and we had just come back from a wonderful meal at our local McDonald’s—we were eating fries and the wonderful Big Mac and a yummy vanilla shake when my son asked, “Daddy—we can always get what we want, quickly and without wait, when we visit McDonald’s, but how come we can’t get the same quick, high-quality service when reading blogs?”

  And the McBlog was born.

  From here on forward, the Ray Kroc McBlog will serve America’s blogging needs twenty-four hours a day, three hundred and sixty-five days a year with blog posts that you want, when you want them, for a relatively low low price. Here’s how it works:

  Step #1: Feeling an urge to read a blog post? Login to the McBlog!

  Step #2: From a pulldown menu, choose the subject matter you’d like to read about. Everything from humor, politics, food and games to pictures, music and the famous McDonald’s characters themselves!

  Step #3: Pay a small nominal fee, depending on your choice. Please note, on some days you’ll be able to get two blog posts for the price of one… Other times you may be able to expand your blog post—instead of a 300-word post, you can turn it into a 500-word post for just 45 cents more!!

  Step #4: Read your blog post until you’re finished, at which point it will disappear. But if minutes later you’re still feeling that desire for even more, we’ll be here to serve you up another and another and another. There’s no cap on how many you can read. It gets addicting, I know! When you stop is fully up to you!

  But what makes the McBlog different from all other blogs? In a word… usability. Sick and tired of visiting a blog and not getting the same quality each and every time? Tired of showing up and not getting what you want? Fatigued by having to search long and hard for something to satisfy your inner self? Well, no longer.

  As of the posting of this column, the McBlog is fully operational and available for your requests. We have some special deals coinciding with the launch today of the McBlog which we call our “Extra Value Posts”—just ask for the number that coincides with them and you’ll be reading before you can say “Can I please have a blog post about dogs and how they look like their owners!” Here’s this week’s extra value posts:

  Extra Value Post #1: Two blog posts about any subject, an e-mail response from the author, and a small anecdote you can tell your friends over and over again at parties and social engagements. (Expand this offer for 45 cents and get a medium anecdote and a special edition haiku!)

  Extra Value Post #2: One big post about politics or entertainment, a link to pictures that you can download for your desktop, and a link to an exclusive video file! (Expand this offer for 45 cents and get a post about the politics of entertainment.)

  Extra Value Post #3: A post about fish. We don’t expect this one to be as popular as all the rest, but we do believe that there’s a market for blog posts about fish and so we’re just gonna keep this one up here in case, you know, someone wants to read a post about fish. (Expand this offer for 45 cents and get, well, more stories about fish.)

  Extra Value Kid’s Post #4: A collection of posts without any indecent subject matter or bad language—this extra value kid’s post also comes with a Flash-based game starring none other than the new McBlog mascot, the McBloggler. (Expand this offer for 45 cents and get an exclusive coupon for a Big Mac at one of our actual McDonald’s restaurants!)

  We hope this very special opening of the McBlog brings you and your family as much happiness as it’s bringing the Kroc family. We think it’s time that America doesn’t have to search out the kind of blog they want—they should know exactly where it is. And where it is… is right here at the McBlog!

  Thank you for visiting and your continuing patronage!

  Ray Kroc

  Hundreds and Hundreds of Entries Read

  From: http://www.drseuss.com/~blog/

  Subject: The Things I Blog

  I blog at morning,

  Midday and noon,

  I blog with words,

  I blog with tune.

  I blog with humor,

  I blog to please,

  I’ve never blogged,

  For a ton of cheese.

  Gouda, cheddar, maybe Swiss,

  I’d write and write, so I’d not miss,

  A ton of cheese there on my plate,

  I’d eat and eat, and then, I’d ate.

  The things I blog are not for you,

  And not for her, and not for Sue,

  And not for James and not for Jen,

  And definitely not for Sam the Hen.

  The things I blog are every day,

  Through February, March, April and May,

  The things I blog come quick and fast,

  Just so this place, it sure does last.

  The things I blog are fun, it’s true!

  The things I blog are new, for you!

  The things I blog are not for grumps,

  Or icks or blechs or old tree stumps.

  —Dr. Seuss

  I hope you liked today’s great rhyming post, I think out of the week I love it the most. Did I mention that next week I’m flying to the coast? Meeting up with friends for a huge big roast.

  That doesn’t mean the site will be dead. In fact, I hope to still post from my bed. Even if after the roast I feel like lead from all the drinks that went to my head! If so, though, I’ll get a med. As always, your comments will be read, even from our favorite e-mailer whose name is Fred, who says he lives in a big ol’ shed right near the river where he was bred.

  More to come! We’ll have more fun! I’m not totally done!

  From: http://www.henryVIII.com/blog/

  Subject: No Luck with the Ladies

  Luck in love hath never been on the side of King Henry VIII. Even a mere mortal, one without sight into things unseen, is in full knowledge of these things. Alas, those who recall the King’s Great Matter and the dissolution of my union with Queen Catherine know quite well that in love, my luck is half that of one who lives with the worst bad luck imaginable.

  It has happened again, as I’m sure the loyal readers of your King’s script well know by now—but this time ’twas not the fault of yours truly. It seems as though Queen Anne, she who hath no successful pregnancies, has turned out to be a witch, hiding in the shadows. Her powers, it seems, were even too much for a powerful man such as myself, as this normal almost unattractive spellcaster pulled me into her web of deceit, which resulted in a dishonest union between the two of us. You’ve also heard, I am quite sure, of her adulterous affairs with more than five other individuals and of her desire to injure me when my head was turned. Like I have written prior—once again it seems that the beloved Henry VIII has chosen unwisely.

  What are my faults? What is it that drives women away from the space I share with them? What actions do I enact that are so horrible?

  I believe I mentioned that I ordered the witch Queen Anne to lose her head in the days to come. No tears will fall from mine eyes, that I can confirm. Of course, ’tis true that her death was commanded by yours truly—and it shall be carried out. It is the least that a monster like Anne deserves!

  As for me—I find myself hopeful for another union with a sweet and honourable woman. One who is not afraid to take a chance! I find that my heart is open for yet another!

  Did I mention I am an avid dice player? A musician at heart? One who enjoys the art of writing and the crafting of songs that warm the insides of cold, angry men? I am, it seems, looking for another wife to fill the shoes of the two previously whose lives met with dark times… yes… Indeed. But I would fault thee for letting moments that have once happened affect m
oments that have yet to occur. A positive future awaits with Henry VIII!

  And if such a woman can deliver a newborn son into my life, that would be the most extraordinary result! If she says she can do such things and cannot… well, I cannot confirm the outcome of such a situation, but I would attempt to be understanding to the best of my ability.

  Women! I await your correspondences!

  From: http://www.wilt_chamberlain.com/counting-up-blog/

  Subject: 14,372, 373, 374, 375, 376, 377, 378 (and maybe 379)

  What up, people!?

  Let me just say right now that this week’s been crazy busy for me! No! Not the b-ball, but the ladies! Man, how those ladies love the Wilt. This week, I met #14,372 after a b-ball scrimmage, met #14,373 in line for a hot dog, met #14,374 while picking up a dime off the sidewalk, met #14,375 while wiping my windshield clean at the gas station near my pad, met #14,376 while shopping for dental floss at the market, met #14,377 through a mutual friend at a dinner party, and met #14,378 and her sister (which technically should count for 378 AND 379) while callin’ a cab.

  Maybe you could be #14,380 if you’re lucky and get in contact with me by sending a glossy picture that is at least 8 × 10, color, with a list of your hobbies and the kind of music you like to groove to. Married ladies—you’re shit outta luck. Like I told ya before, I don’t mess with the married ladies. S’like messing with your mother—she’s got an old man who’ll kick your ass.

  I must tell ya, this counting up stuff is gettin’ to be a little bit like basketball. You know, you’re out there on the court, racking up the points, a free throw here and there. You’re watchin’ the board and those numbers are goin’ up and up and the crowd’s goin’ crazy over you… The higher you go, the more you wanna one-up yourself.