The Lost Blogs Read online

Page 13


  Did you know that Doris started out as a dancer? Well, of course you did! I mean, dancers have a certain body type (ladies, stop reading and join me and the boys at the end of this page) that, well, is fit for activity! And Doris, she is oh so hot! A few days on the set I thought I was getting sick because I felt like I had a fever but you know what!? That wasn’t any fever, boys—that was Doris making me feel that way. All weak-kneed and everything! All I can say is just… WOWWOWWOW!

  Now don’t get me wrong—a lot of you are going to say, “But what about Elizabeth Taylor, Rock?” Well, you know that Elizabeth is just one of the most beautiful women on the face of the earth (and maybe I had a little experience with her, wink wink), but I just have to say that I am completely in love with Doris Day—she just makes me feel like I’ve never felt before! Now, don’t get your gossip mills all up in a twist—we’re not IN LOVE in real life, but I’m just saying that a girl as beautiful and sexy as Doris was just a huge pleasure to work with and, well, you go see the movie and you’ll agree with me, men. She is, in a word, amazing!!

  Before I head out to play some golf and visit a few of my lady friends (don’t tell Doris!), I wanna give a shout out to a few blogs of some of my good, close friends: There’s Billy, Frank, Emilio, Juan, George, James, Carl and our close buddy we call The Sombrero. Ha! Don’t ask! Just visit their sites and tell ’em that the ol’ Rock said hello!

  From: http://www.manfredvonrichthofen.de/redbaronblog/

  Subject: Ratta-tat Ratta-tat Ratta-tat

  Der röte Kampfflieger strikes again! Oh, I am sorry to my poor sad readers who do not speak the superior German language. Let me rephrase for you!

  Hello, you Frenchmen! With your pitiful little flying planes that cannot outrun me or escape my bullets! To you, le Diable Rouge is here to shoot you down! Oh, you are not French, but you are English!? Then it is not der röte Kampfflieger or le Diable Rouge who keeps you awake at night! Instead, it is none other than the Red Baron!

  Ratta tat, ratta tat, ratta tat! The sounds of my machine guns bore a hole in your dreams as you try try try to get away from my ratta tat ratta tat ratta tat!

  Welcome to my digital journal here on the web!! Glad all of you, no matter what country you are from, were able to find your way here.

  Of course, had you been FLYING in your mediocre machines to try and meet me, you would have little success as I would be hiding, there in the clouds, with my ratta tat ratta tat ratta tat (my machine guns), which would do you in! Will you become my 45th downed opponent!? Will you crawl home in defeat after meeting me face-to-face in the skies!? Know this, and know this well—der röte Kampffleiger will defeat you with little effort and take your lives in the process!!

  Be sure to visit the sites of all those who have fallen to me—I have a helpful link list there to the right so that it’s simple and easy to peruse their sites (which are hardly ever updated, due to the fact that they’re DEAD!).—My doing, FYI.

  I have, of course, provided this list to immortalize der röte Kampfflieger’s triumphs! With each downed plane, I will include yet another link to their blogs! A way for you to see that each of my successes represents another’s failure! Ratta-tat ratta-tat ratta-tat! (And because the supply of silver, which I used to use to create silver goblets memorializing each of my “kills,” has recently been restricted here in Germany!)

  But what does der röte Kampfflieger care about such trivial things! Do you see that list of forty-four links!? They have all fallen to the superior skills of le Diable Rouge! The, as you say with wonder, Red Baron!

  Hope you’ve had such a wonderful time here on my blog! I will hope to update this again soon with more links to those who have fallen to my ratta-tat ratta-tat ratta-tat (machine guns)!!

  Until then, you know who this is!

  From: http://www.lordbaden-powell.uk/scoutingblog/

  Subject: Scouting for Boys

  Scrumptious, just simply scrumptious!

  A jolly time was had in South Africa—if not the direct result of a successful campaign against the Zulus, but more importantly due to the smiling, cheery faces and attitudes of my personal team of native boys! My own personal team of native boys! Oh. how I love the sound of it. I immediately came back to the U.K., and rewrote my now best-selling book Aids to Scouting to incorporate all that I had learned by working so closely with my dark-skinned comrades!

  While the scouting I required my toned friends to take part in—dreadful things like staying up at all hours (even though I’d sometimes spend the time with them because I am just that type of man) standing guard and, even worse, acting as a messenger to deliver notes across enemy lines… These young native men bonded together, looked out for each other, and were even there to lend a hand or a hug when things weren’t looking so cheery! It was heartwarming to see, and even more disturbing when, while under my command, some of my beloved native friends were injured or killed! Simply dreadful!

  Scouting, as I decided, should no longer be associated with violent conflicts—but should be colored by heartwarming, friendly camaraderie consisting of a young group of boys! No more standing up at all hours, working the body to maximum fatigue levels (well, in war that is)! The new scouting, as per ME, should be a cheery, happy, sunny experience for all! It was at that point when the “idea of the century” hit me!

  Costumes. We must integrate costumes! The kind that make me want to just eat those little scouts up!

  Being a scout is not about tracking a wild animal through the wilderness or building a fire per se—it is all about style! Yes, they should have neat little costumes with shiny fabrics and bandannas and patches that show off their unique little talents. They should wear emblems and knee-high socks and have learned a whole list of rollicking songs which they should also know the dance steps to! My scouts should find options when it comes to dressing up—not just one color or style. Give them the creative freedom to make their own styles and show them off to the rest of the young boys they share their time with. Aah, but will society … Will people really encourage their children to take part in such feel-good club activities?

  I say YES. I say that there’s nothing a father wants more than to see his young son take pride in his patches and his fabrics and his adorable little bandannas and his good deeds.

  This thing is going to be huge, I can feeeeeel it!

  From: http://www.dianfossey.org/zaireblog/

  Subject: My First Year with “Him”

  Girls, I am in LOVE.

  I know I know I know! I’ve been horrible at keeping in touch, but this last year has been absolutely amazing! A year of growth, mutual understanding and true bonding with you know who. He’s at my side 24/7 and, well, I am feeling a connection that I have never felt before with any of the others!

  You would diet He is so affectionate and caring. So in touch with his emotions. We’ll be out in the wilderness and he’ll just play with my hair without me even having to ask him to. He’s so playful, too—he loves whacking me with leaves and branches! It’s funny, how cultural differences manifest themselves between two different creatures like he and I. I have to say, and don’t quote me on this, but this is my first relationship where all that confusing miscommunication is gone! We are there, looking into each other’s eyes, and we so GET each other. Heel You can hear the excitement in just my words, can’t you?

  I have learned in the past that for a relationship to develop and move forward, someone must always give in to the other individual. Sure, it’s a kind of social experiment if you really think about it, but I’m willing if it means that I’ll find what I’m looking for. Oh, who am I kidding—I don’t want there to be an end! I hope there never is. My time with him is one of the most valuable moments between sunup and sundown.

  The other day he was sooooo cute. He vocalized his feelings to me, in such a way that I really can’t even begin to try to communicate. It was this really sweet moment when he opened his mouth and told me exactly how he was feeling! I didn’t even have
to push him—it was all voluntary! Such a powerful communicator, if you ask me. Just amazing!

  I’ve given him such a cute little nickname, “Digit,” which he doesn’t seem to mind at all. I think he likes it. too—unlike some of my other relationships, you can tell they just don’t quite appreciate being given a nickname like that. Well, Digit loves it. Heh. He’s sort of proud that I gave him a nickname, I think—it shows how we feel about each other.

  Okay, I gotta go but I’ll write more later. Seems that Digit and the rest of his brethren are going out to scavenge for food! I’m sure Digit will ask me to come along in his own, subtle way. That would be great—a real step forward in the relationship. I’ll just have to make a conscious effort to not be overbearing or anything like that. You know how these guys get!

  From: http://www.cecil_b_demille.com/BLOG/

  Subject: Official Announcement!!!

  Your world is about to CHANGE!!

  Everything you know about BLOGGING will be USELESS!!

  ARE YOU READING WHAT I HAVE TO SAY? CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE WHAT IS COMING YOUR WAY!? A BLOG THE LIKES OF WHICH NO MERE MORTAL HAS EVER SEEN IS ABOUT TO CRUSH EVERYTHING ELSE AROUND YOU!

  THE CECIL B. DEMILLE BLOG IS COMING SOON…

  YES, there have been other blogs that have come before! YES! There are others who write journals! YES YES YES!!! Some of you may say that there are just too many of them out there for one more to matter!!

  NO!

  THE CECIL B. DEMILLE BLOG will bring forth the most SPECTACULAR blogging features EVER SEEN!

  SEE OVER 1,000 NEW POSTS DAILY—ALL WRITTEN BY CECIL B. DEMILLE!

  SEE OVER 1 MILLION COMMENTS DAILY—ALL WRITTEN BY CECIL B. DEMILLE!

  SEE BILLIONS OF COLORS AND GRAPHICS—ALL CHOSEN BY CECIL B. DEMILLE!

  SEE TRILLIONS OF LINKS!! GAJILLIONS OF TRACKBACKS! A GOOGLE OF FUN!

  INTERACTIVE ELEMENTS NEVER BEFORE SEEN OR EXPERIENCED!!

  YOU WILL MARVEL AT ITS AMAZING TECHNOLOGY!!

  YOU WILL BE STUNNED BY ITS PROFESSIONAL DESIGN!!

  YOU WILL LOSE YOUR BREATH AS YOU READ CECIL B. DEMILLE’S

  GENIUS!!

  AND IT WILL BE FREE! FREE! FREE!

  DON’T MISS OUT!

  DON’T BE THE LAST IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD TO EXPERIENCE THE FULL-SPECTRUM EXPERIENCE THAT WILL BE THE CECIL B. DEMILLE BLOG!

  SIGN UP NOW FOR THE MAILING LIST SO YOU CAN BE THE FIRST IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD TO VISIT THE GREATEST, BIGGEST, MOST POWERFUL BLOG ON THE FACE OF THE ENTIRE EARTH!!*

  *THE CECIL B. DEMILLE BLOG cannot confirm the fact that this blog is the most powerful blog on the face of the earth.

  From: http://www.bonnieandclyde.com/blog/

  Subject: Domain Name Acquisition!

  If you got an idea or a business but you don’t got the domain name, you ain’t never gonna make the dough. But through us, we can get you any domain name you want. Even if someone else already got it Yes, that’s right Someone has what you want and they don’t wanna give it to you? We’ll make ’em give it to you. Trust us. Just look at some of the ones we already got, that we can give to you, for a very reasonable price:

  www.herberthoover.com

  www.fdr.com

  www.cocacola.com

  www.johnsmith.com

  www.business.com

  www.cars.com

  www.alcatrazisland.com

  www.alberteinstein.com

  www.england.com

  www.japan.com

  www.unitedstates.com

  www.thewhitehouse.com

  www.wizardofoz.com

  These are just some of the domains we can getcha. Do you wanna have a President’s name for your domain? No problem. Want one that your neighbor already has and he ain’t givin’ it up? Drop us a note. Between the twos of us, we’ll getcha what you want for very little up-front dough.

  Also, once you get the site you want, you may find that you ain’t got nuthin’ to say. Well, look to us. We can provide you with a variety of already written blogs on topics that range from:

  Science

  Mathematics

  Gravity

  Hollywood

  Technology

  Foreign Relations

  Romance

  and

  Radio Repair

  If there’s somethin’ you want and you don’t see it here, doesn’t mean we can’t get it. Just fill out our request form and well get back to you as soon as we find a place to hide out in.

  From: http://www.johnharvey_kellogg.edu/blog/

  Subject: Day 7693, Battle Creek Sanitarium Philosophy #7,693

  Inspirational Health Thought #7693: Insanity is nothing more than the result of one's mistreatment of their bowels. [View the previous 7692 inspirational health thoughts.]

  Here at the Battle Creek Sanitarium, I have had many dealings with people suffering from a myriad of ailments. Each one of them, cured by voluntarily joining my program of healthful activity, vegetarian lifestyle and high-fiber diet. It's what convinced my brother Will and I that the only way to give people the opportunity to heal themselves in the privacy of their own home was to start our own high-fiber cereal company. It's name? Sanitas Food Company.

  Get it? San-itas? Sane? Get it? People who are insane will become sane after eating the whole grain goodness of San-itas products!

  The names of the cereals, of course, have yet to be decided—but I have suggested at length to my brother that we must integrate the ideas of insane and ill individuals who have become healthy (i.e., reaching that point where they're suddenly and miraculously healed) into the names of the cereals!

  In my 20+ years here at the Sanitarium, I have realized three things about those who are unable to control their mental or physical health. There comes a point, when they are given life-changing information about how to heal themselves—this is when they SNAP into reality. The knowledge that there is a solution to their previously insurmountable odds often gets them thinking, an electric CRACKLE of sorts shooting throughout their brains—and since the body is primarily an energy source, the idea of such a thing is not far from reality. When a subject experiences the first two steps of reaching a healthy lifestyle, they often POP to attention, and act on such things. These themes, of course, should be incorporated into the names of our products.

  And so, I have suggested to Will that we incorporate the words "FIBER," "CORN" and possibly "BOWEL" into our first few cereals. Based on my experience and writings, I encouraged Will that we should move forward as quickly as possibly on our "Fiber Corn Bowel Breakfast Cereal," to which he seemed less than pleased.

  We are working through a few issues right now, but I hope to resolve them before the week is up. Yes, Will is threatening to sever ties and start his own cereal company where he'd rather name his cereal something a little more "snappy," but I think that would be the biggest mistake in his entire life.

  From: http://mx.frida_kahlo.com/blog/

  Subject: Desperate for Dumont

  I must be quick to thank all the generous readers who have sent their best of wishes and kindest of words to me—yes it seems as though Diego and I have hit what some may call a little bit of a rough patch in our marriage, but I do believe with God as my witness, that things will eventually come full circle. I’ve posted some of the wonderful wishes on my Guest Book for others to see.

  But more importantly, I must share my excitement with everyone (especially the ladies) that I have been contacted to possibly become the spokesperson for the company they call Dumont. If you do not know. Dumont is a company located in none other than Switzerland, which has been making tweezers since 1875! And these are not any ordinary tweezers not at all—these are high-quality, durable and detailed tweezers whose advanced engineering has resulted in a tweezer that can excavate the hardest of stubborn stubble! Trust me when I tell you I know about these things!

  I use Dumont’s XL-87 tweezers every single morning, during lunchtime, and in the afternoon and evening as I clean up my well-known brow-line, shaping it
with such ease. I often can be heard screaming ‘Dios Mío!’ due to my excitement and pleasure in using such a well-created piece of equipment! Did you know that Dumont is the largest manufacturer of tweezers in the world? That they supply a wide variety of businesses through their vast national and international distribution network!?

  Neither did I. And do you know what? Such details mean nothing to me!

  But what DOES mean something to me, Frida Kahlo, is that my eyebrow hairs, which were at once unruly and hard to pull from my forehead (and even painful—ouch!), are no longer an issue now that I use the Dumont XL-87 advanced tweezer technology! Now I can spend much more time concentrating on my paintings instead of having to labor for hours with a lesser-tweezer that just doesn’t grasp my hairs in the way I hope that it would.

  It is extremely premature for me to even be mentioning the Dumont product or the fact that if you click here now you will get not only the XL-87 tweezer plus the complimentary brush kit and the click-on spotlighting system (for those dark bathrooms), but you will also get a wonderfully ornate silk carrying case just for buying this amazing product.

  But don’t take my word for it (I am just an innocent bystander singing the praises of the wonderful Dumont product)—check out these pictures of all the eyebrow hair I was able to pull out (these are full hairs, women, not broken pieces which lesser-tweezers often mangle)—I am looking right now into the mirror as I type this and can I just say that my single eyebrow looks so well manicured that I hope this whole agreement goes through with Dumont so I will never be without one of the most amazing products I have ever used.

  I’m still working on my latest painting Self-Portrait with Monkey, who personally, could really benefit from these tweezers as well!!