The Lost Blogs Page 3
I told him again, that I could not eat a pie, yet he did not want to listen.
You can imagine, four pies and five hours later that day, the state in which my belly was in. Father attempted to make me feel better amidst my pain, telling me that someday the lesson I had learned would be remembered with such clarity that children far and wide would never eat before chopping down a fruit tree. “I cannot eat a pie” would go down in history alongside my name as a cautionary tale to axe-wielding not-so-hungry children everywhere.
And… Father is always right.
From: http://www.thecarpentryblog.com/~jesus/
Subject: This Week’s Projects!
This week’s projects and tips come from Joseph’s Carpentry Circus and The Carpenters Circle, not to mention the pleasant people over at The Carpentry Webring. Pictures and step-by-step instructions are available by clicking on the link for each project. Supplies and tools can be purchased many places, but can be found in Nazareth, which is where I always buy my tools.
Building a Bird House
How to Use a Chisel
Hanging a Door in 10 Easy Steps
Building a House, with Just a Few Helping Hands
Wooden Benches for Two
5 Uses for Old Sawdust
Summer Tables for Summer Meals
Foot Stool, Book Rack or Leg Rest
There’s also a personal project I’ve currently been working on—with limited tools (just two pieces of wood, some nails and a chisel). I can show you how to build your own water or wine rack for proud display in your home or workplace.
Any thoughts on this project would be fully appreciated, as it’s just a little something I’ve started to work on, and am currently not sure how many people will find such an item useful, although I found myself wishing the other day that I could have access to both water and wine at the same time without having to go to the cupboard, retrieve wine, then realize after I sat back down on my wooden bench for two that I wanted water and having to get up again to retrieve that.
With my water or wine rack you can store both satisfying thirst-quenchers in one place and never find yourself deficient of either. For what would one do if they only had water but wanted wine? Nothing! You’d be stuck without a solution! This is just why this project is so useful.
Next week, my Carpentry Weblog will have even more in store for all of you “wooden heads” looking for the next great project. Remember, any questions can be sent to JC@carpentryweblog.com. Your e-mails always bless my inbox and I am more than happy to help you in any projects you may currently be undertaking.
From: http://www.orsonwells.com/blog/
Subject: Citizen Kane’s Release
No thanks to an UNDISCLOSED certain someone who has offered RKO approximately $800,000 to destroy all the prints of my upcoming film, Citizen Kane (cough, WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST, cough), things have been awfully chaotic as of late.
This ANONYMOUS media giant (ahem, WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST, ahem) seems to think that the movie Citizen Kane has something to do with his ANONYMOUS and SECRETIVE life, not to mention the life of his ANONYMOUS SIGNIFICANT OTHER (snort, MARION DAVIES, snort), which is categorically, totally untrue.
If you must know, the character of Charles Foster Kane has nothing to do with any overblown newspaper tycoon or idiotic wannabe movie producer nor is it based on any mediocre or talentless Hollywood hack, singer or actress alike. No, Citizen Kane is not based on any of these horrible, soulless, hermitlike individuals. Believe it or not, Citizen Kane is based on someone named… well, why don’t we just call this person BILLY ROLPH AMHEARST.
Who is Billy R. Amhearst? Is he a newspaperman? No, although he loves to read a good paper. Does he live inside a huge mansion? No, although he sure loves to drive past them. Has he found love with a starlet of the stage and screen? No, although he loves to go to the movies. Citizen Kane is based on this everyday common man named Billy Amhearst and such ANONYMOUS individuals should see fit to end their crusade against RKO Pictures and the individual known as Orson Welles.
Posted by O. Welles on April 22, 1941, at 03:11 AM I Permalink I Comments (5)
COMMENTS
You’re such a liar. There’s no such person as Billy Rolph Amhearst!!
Posted by: Anonymous | April 22, 1941, 3:15 AM
There is SO such a person as Billy Rolph Amhearst. Idiot. Why don’t you at least put your name down there in the comment section, Mr. Hearst!?
Posted by: O. Welles I April 22, 1941, 3:17 AM
I’m not William Hearst. I just think you should admit that there is no such person as Billy Rolph Amhearst and that your entire movie is based on the real William Hearst! Admit it, you talentless hack!
Posted by: J. Smith | April 22, 1941, 3:19 AM
J. Smith!? That’s the best name you could come up with, Mr. Hearst?
Posted by: O. Welles I April 22, 1941, 3:21 AM
Go suck an egg, Welles!
Posted by: James Smith II | April 22, 1941, 3:23 AM
From: http://www.waltdisney.com/blog/
Subject: The Next Step
The secretive news that I’ve been holding off from sharing with all of you, of course, can now be made public and I wanted to take this opportunity to let all the Disney fans know here on my blog first!
Having purchased over 27,000 acres of land just west of Orlando in Florida, my brother Roy and I are officially announcing plans for what we’re calling “The Amazing WalteRoy Disney Parkworld Amusement Town for Kids!” (We’re pretty sure this name rolls off the tongue easily.) Many of you have e-mailed asking just how different it will be from Disneyland itself (other than the name), but all I can say at this point is that there’s a “world of possibilities” and if you know Disney you’ll already have a pretty good idea about what amazing things the future holds…
On a totally unrelated note, while in Florida searching out the land that will eventually be the site of “The Amazing WalteRoy Disney Parkworld Amusement Town for Kids!,” you can imagine that it was awfully humid and hot there. The weather in Florida is always in the extremes, and the minute you walk outside you find that your entire body sucks up the humidity and it’s quite an uncomfortable situation. Let’s just say, Southern California has the best weather around!
Nonetheless, I thought I’d share a solution for those planning on visiting Florida in the future—I like to call it, “sticking your head in the freezer.” Surprisingly, I was lucky enough to be handed a hotel suite where the air-conditioning did not work and so I had to resort to opening the freezer, sticking my head inside, and leaving it there for some time until my body temperature cooled. And before long, I must tell you—my head was very happy with the low temperatures!
Of course, you can’t live your whole day with your head in a freezer, but in between surveys and meetings with local architects and planners, you can imagine I had my head in that freezer keeping myself calm, collected and definitely cool.
Honestly, I felt the most comfortable I had felt during my entire time in Florida while my head was in the freezer. It just goes to show you, you can never be too cool!
Now back in Southern California, we’re just finishing production on The Monkey’s Uncle, which is a hilarious movie that you’ll rush to see when it hits theaters next year. It involves a monkey… and an uncle! So mark your calendars now, kids!
As usual, if you have any questions you can feel free to e-mail me and I’ll try to get back to you as soon as I can!
From: http://www.george_orwell.co.uk/blog/
Subject: Today’s Conversation with My Dog
Sometimes, my dog is more verbose than normal:
Me: “Hello.”
My Dog: “Why, hello George.”
Me: “Well, aren’t you in a good mood today.”
My Dog: “Why, yes George. I am.”
Me: “Any particular reason why?”
My Dog: “Well, I’ve decided to run for Prime Minister of England.”
Me: “Is that so.
”
My Dog: “Why yes, it is.”
Me: “Well let me be the first person to congratulate you for the thought.”
My Dog: “Well now you’re just being condescending.”
Me: “How so?”
My Dog: “You allude to the fact that you believe that a dog can’t be Prime Minister.”
Me: “What did I say to make you infer such a ludicrous thought?”
My Dog: “‘Let me be the first person… to congratulate you.’ You emphasized the word ‘person’ as if a nonperson can’t be Prime Minister.”
Me: “I think your questionable lack of self-confidence is projecting.”
My Dog: “Don’t start with your babble-talk, George.”
Me: “Me, babble-talk?”
My Dog: “You could just support my decision and leave well enough alone.”
Me: “Oh?”
My Dog: “I have many changes I plan on making when I take on my new leadership position.”
Me: “Anything you can share?”
My Dog: “Well– Aaah, ha! I see what you’re doing.”
Me: “What?”
My Dog: “Lull your dog into a false sense of security, encourage your dog who will someday be Prime Minister to discuss his political platform, then use such information to have said dog whisked away and never heard from again.”
Me: “You’re over-thinking.”
My Dog: “Oh, am I?”
Me: “How about a bone?”
My Dog: “A bone?”
Me: “Yes, a bone.”
My Dog: “Yeah, a bone would be really nice.”
Me: “I’ll go get it for you, just hang on.”
My Dog: “Mind if I lick myself here while I’m waiting?”
Me: “No, not at all.”
From: http://www.blogs.es/~christophercolumbus/blog.html
Subject: The Quest Continues…
Having found myself with more hours in the day than I know what to do with, I decided it would be worth updating my blog so those following our journey to the Indies since we left Palos on August 3 would have something to consult until official word of our arrival found its way back to Spain.
If you haven’t kept up on what I’ve blogged about over the last twenty days, you can read my previous entries here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Or I can save you the time and tell you that we have seen… nothing. Wave after wave obstructs the same view over and over again—that of the horizon. Therefore, it has given me time to thoughtfully explore other subject matter that affects my mood and demeanor.
Yes. Let’s talk about the Niña, again.
It’s important that I explain all the thoughts in my head on the subject (which I have explored for twenty previous entries as well, as there has been nothing else to think about). I command three ships filled with men. We are explorers, sailors and such. There has never been nor will there ever be a little girl on any of my ships so why then name one of these wooden giants “the little girl”?
The Pinta or “painted one” and the Santa María (which, yes, was originally referred to as “Dirty Mary”) are masculine and make total sense for a journey such as this. But “little girl”? Little girl!?
Yes, I do have a lot of spare time on my hands. Yes, I often spend the daylight hours simply drafting our course, making sure we’re staying the course, rechecking the course again, announcing to others that yes, we’re still on course and then making lists of alternative names for the Niña. Here are some that I have come up with over the last twenty days that, I believe, instill respect, honor and fear into those who might come across our bow.
Serpiente (or, Snake)
Tiburón (or, Shark)
Astilla (or, Splinter)
Evil Wooden Ship of Death
Really Bad Evil Wooden Ship of Death (emphasize the “Really Bad” part)
So Bad You Can’t Even Imagine, Evil Wooden Ship of Death
With limited food and water (as we are working with rations) I find that my mind is not as sharp as usual, but I do believe that one of the “Wooden Ship of Death” titles would far surpass the silly Niña naming scheme, as we are not little girls but grown men.
I will continue to put more thought into this matter and will follow up once again tomorrow with my twenty-second blog entry from my cabin here on the ship.
By the way, we are on course.
From: http://www.herman_melville.com/~blog/
Subject: …
Call me crazy… but having visited the washroom twice earlier, my ears had heard what only now my eyes could confirm. Flipping and flopping around in the sparkling white bowl was a huge black object that most definitely did not belong. Alas, it was encroaching on my simple existence and would have to be dispatched before any more harm could be done.
The invention, of course, of the flushable chamber pot has been around for decades but just recently found its way into the homes of those in the New York City area. Outhouses still reign supreme if not simply being the result of a lack of financial possibility, since the purchasing and installing of such an item can cost more than one expects.
My fears, of course, were apparent; there being a certain goal in mind when I found myself behind closed doors and ready to unleash what “once was” into the twisting pipes below my house. Yet, knowing that somewhere in the water lurked a foreign creature with the ability to snap at me while I sat, caused my thoughts to turn toward eradication before evacuation. There being nothing worse than being blind while exposed, the solution was evident.
Still in its infancy, the sewer systems set up for the country and outerlying areas of New York City are far from perfection. With limited areas set aside for the disposal of such household remnants, and a limited amount of service personnel available to assist in such matters, it often surprises one just how little there is to be done when the mechanics behind the new technology do not function correctly or altogether back up.
Of course, before sitting down to do my prearranged business, I had to do away with the foreign creature that had obviously set his sights on disrupting my peace. I stood above the wavering pool of water, peering into the depths for a quick glance at that which was pursuing me. In fact, I was pursuing the creature, being the heathen that I was, in an attempt to put an end to the terror it had caused as of late. The rubber plunger, attached to the side of the mechanism, would cause the undoing of the mysterious black insect.
As quickly as I could, I lifted up the instrument while purposefully jabbing the side of the ceramic structure with force … causing the monstrous creature to emerge once again from the depths of the darkened hole at the base of the bowl. I jammed the object, gripped tightly in my hand again and again. I stabbed; for hate’s sake. Spit my last breath at the blackened creature. Eyes matched for a moment, as our souls connected in this battle of wills.
In the process, liquid splashed and spilled forth upon the tile floor, causing gravity to take hold and flip me on my back, my leg bending beneath me. The room went dark, much like the mask of the evil creature, and I awoke hours later with my leg lifted high above the bed.
As I will be here for some time, leg tied and courage battered—I suspect I will continue to elaborate on my quest to do away with that which caused me this pain.
Revenge will be mine. That much I will see to.
In the meantime, if you’re interested you can purchase my latest books here and here.
From: http://www.thomaspaine.com/
Subject: Self-Publishing!
With the current state of the Revolutionary War, things are in dire straits—these are the motivating factors that urged me to draft my latest document denouncing British rule.
I have mentioned this document before, as I have been working on the writing of said document for many weeks now. But as I am close to releasing this document to the public via this blog, I am striving to come up with a title for such prose.
&n
bsp; That is why I look to you, dear readers, for your creative insight and influence. This document needs a title that is simple, yet communicates clearly. It should not need explaining or discussion. It should stand on its own. As I mentioned before, this document outlines the reasons why Britain should not be ruling our continent and why this nation is not a “British nation” (this country is composed of influences from all of Europe) and should therefore not be ruled by one.
It is a heady, passionate, important document whose title must reflect such emotions. If you would be so kind, please vote in the below poll, so that I may pick the best title prior to releasing the PDF and Audiobook versions to the public at large.
Time is of the essence! Also, if you have other ideas not on this list, please e-mail me with them.
Thomas Paine’s Untitled Document Should Be Called:
IT’S LIKE, SOMETHING WE ALL KNOW
ALL ON THE SAME PAGE: MY THOUGHTS ON THE SUBJECT
THIRTEEN COLONIES: THIRTEEN PROBLEMS
ITS THERE, IN YOUR HEAD, THAT INFORMATION
YOUR FATHER SHOULD HAVE TAUGHT YOU THIS
WHO LIKES THE BRITISH? NOT ME, THOMAS PAINE!
GO AWAY, REDCOATS!
UNCOMMON THOUGHTS FOR A COMMON PROBLEM
THE REDCOATS: NOT WELL READ
WHY IT ALL MAKES SENSE TO US COMMON FOLK
T STANDS FOR “TEA” BUT ALSO FOR “TROUBLE”
WAR SPELLED BACKWARDS IS “RAW,” WHICH IS HOW WE’RE ALL PROBABLY FEELING RIGHT ABOUT NOW DUE TO THIS ANNOYING BRITISH RULE THING
WHAT YOU’RE ABOUT TO READ, YOU PROBABLY ALREADY KNOW, BUT ISN’T IT TIME WE ALL READ WHAT WE ALREADY KNOW SO WE CAN AGREE ABOUT THE SUBJECTS CONTAINED THEREIN?
From: http://www.blogs.fr/~vangogh/
Subject: Elements of a Painting
Thank you all for your interest as of late in my paintings—things have been extremely tough, as I have chosen a profession that often does not reward talent with financial stability. These days it seems that people only believe my paintings are worth the value of the paint on the canvas, while I would have hoped that others could have seen the beauty and value within each frozen moment that I have gazed upon and recreated.